Yet another old fart day.

It's tht time of the year again. Tht scary scary day u had to go thru year after year. Tht day when u secretly wish the clock would stop one minute before midnight so you won't become a year older.

When we were much younger, we couldn't wait to grow up. To be able to make our own decisions. To carve a life of our own. But now.. I really wish i could go back and become tht timid little girl who never spoke up for herself. Life was simpler then. It was traumatising to be bullied all the time.. But it was simple. Growing up is scary. It's probably the scariest thing anybody has to go through.

It's always like this year after year. I get scared, feel consipated, butterflies in the stomach, heart feels as though it's gonna stop, get all sorts of mixed feelings. I remember there was a year i deliberately forced myself to sleep.. I slept the whole of October 7 away. I slept from 1130pm of October 6 all the way til 12.30am of October 8. Amazing isn't it. I know.. I know sleeping solves nothing. But to me.. Sleeping is some sort of escape. The great unknown ahead is scary. Sleeping is calming. You sleep, you dream, you're living in a whole other alternate world where only some of your senses come to life.

Growing up is scary. But i'm thankful, really thankful for the people who have been there. Urging me to celebrate this very scary day year after year, never ceasing to let me know tht it's my day and i should be happy and feel perfect. And i just wanna let these people know tht despite my exterior as an ice queen, i remember and appreciate and hold close to my heart every single act of kindness and love they have ever done for me. Old habits die hard. Especially those tht's stemmed from the days when you were a tiny little thing walking around with squeek shoes. Inadequacies had made it difficult to say tht simple thank you to people closest to me. But i always remember, i will always remember the little nice things, those little acts of kindness.