Reflections.

Was thinking bout things for awhile. I supposed some things gotta change.

When looking at things from a certain perspective, i think i'm majorly flawed. For starters, i'm short-tempered. Once i snapped, i get extremely angry. When i get angry, i'd usually purposely say harsh things to people tht i most of the time do not mean. And then very often, i'll regret. But because of my pride, i'll always think doubly hard before apologising. It's like a horrific chain reaction. Not forgetting my stubbornness, impatience, pig headedness, and aggressiveness, for the finishing touch. Sometimes i don't even know what my good points are anymore. I understand tht a leopard never changes its spots, but i guess it's time for some spots to start fading a little.

Thruout these 24years, i've made some mistakes, some errors in judgment, some unpardonable wrongs, and plenty of regrets. I used to think tht i'm never wrong, but i guess i'm not all perfect.

A certain issue arose lately and now i'm thinking if i was in the wrong. Cause if i was indeed the one at fault, i'll gladly, ok maybe not very gladly, but i'm willing to swallow my pride and apologise. I don't like mind games. I prefer confrontations. If someone's displeased with my demeanour or certain things i've done, i'd seriously rather they confront me about it, than to bitch behind my back, or worse, think tht my boyfriend should learn to control me. I'm not a dog. I need not be restrained or controlled or what not. Besides, i think confrontations are by far the more honourable way of resolving issues. However, if anyone, ANYONE, wishes to rage war with me, i'd say bring it on! See what i mean when i say i'm aggressive. Hmmmm why do i feel like i'm somewhat contradicting myself? Tsk Tsk! I think tht my brain has been thinking of too many things all at once lately tht it's lost control of which way to turn. Kinda like an overstuffed turkey.

ANYWAYS, lemme save myself a little by saying i can be a very peaceful person...... Most of the time. And i'm usually can't-be-bothered. But i can't help feeling defensive when i feel tht it's a personal attack. And this i feel is a personal attack. One more wrong move and i'll ready my bowmen with their bows and arrows, some men to fire off the trebuchets and catapults, and perhaps some fire spewing dragons flying overhead to further dramatise and complete the entire scenario. Haha!

On another note altogether, i'd say all's been good so far. If this carries on, i have the strangest feeling tht i'll be seeing the new mister for a looooooooong looooooooong time. Tht's of course, if he decides not to carry out the plots and schemes he thinks about everyday of howta be mean to his girlfriend and starts ill-treating his very, very frail and fragile other half. Lol!

Me Misssssssssssssssssssss Him Muchie Muchie!

Gloomy Rainy Day.

I wanted to be a good girl and go to bed early. And when i almost fell asleep, my mum hadda barge in my room AGAIN! I can't even remember what she was rambling about. I've mastered the art of shutting my ears. And now i can't sleep. How nice!

It's been a gloomy rainy day. I'm feeling gloomy. I'm tired. I can't sleep. I'm just gonna stone myself to death.

Love Cookies.

I baked cookies! Mannn tht's just so not me! BUT he loves it and he appreciates it! So all the sweat and oily face, the rushing til i have no time to eat, smoke, or drink water, the beating of traffic, did not go to waste. It's all gooooood and it's all worth it!

Of course i hafta thank Lala and Mon for helping! Geez man if u guys just left me to die there alone, i think i'll really die!

If this is just a dream, i hope i will not wake. Just living and reliving the moment. Just hanging by the moment, indulging in the infinite sweetness of this honeymoon period. I hope it never ends.

Fucking Mood Swings!

I'm having mood swings! Very very bad mood swings! Very very very bad mood swings! KNNBCCB! It's irritating the shit outta me i swear! This month has been the worst month of the entire year (of coz, apart from the fact tht my boyfriend and i got together this month). I'm broke, I'm jobless, I got no new dresses for christmas or new year's or wad not. Basically i'm just broke. Dead broke! N the fact tht i have a humongous ego, i don't want my boyfriend to be worried and i dun wanna use his money. "I'll solve my own problems, i always do" i told him. N solve i will. But before the problem is solved, i can't help but feel extreme annoyance!

He asked me to go set up a chicken rice stall with him. And since i can't cook for nuts, he'll cook n chop the chickens, n i'll take charge of packing the chilli, sending the plates of chicken rice to the respective tables, n i'll have to wear the ugly pouch to collect our earnings. But chilli is smelly, so i'll have to reconsider his offer.

For some unknown reasons, thinking of him warms my heart. How i wish he's here with me now on this cold, lonely, dreadful, mood swinging night.

The New Chapter.

Let me just pour my heart out.

A new chapter has begun. Out of nowhere and very very very sudden indeed. To be honest, i'm still in shock. From being single, to saying things i forgot, to kissing a friend, to tossing n turning at nite, to being unofficially attached, to being officially attached - all within 2 weeks!

Although everything happened in a flash, i hope tht this new chapter will not fast forward like how it began. We've gone one full circle. First time i saw him, i thot he was cute, but i was his friend's girlfriend then. Ha! I broke my own rule; never to be with an ex boyfriend's friend. Damn! It's really like a whirlpool of different emotions. Happy, scared, scared, scared. OK! Yea I'm pretty damn scared. Get burnt again and i'll be jaded beyond repair. Can't afford to let tht happen.

After being messed up over the last 2 times, i've somehow forgotten howta be a girlfriend, howta give my all, howta not be wary and cautious. But i sincerely and whole-heartedly cross my fingers and hope tht this new chapter will not be a short one. It's only been a day. Time will tell...

Weeeeeeeee~!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a done deal!

Unless of course, he forgets or i forget. :)

Love Actually.

Sometimes things are so transparent, they don't need evidential proof.

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It's starting to scare me, really.

Remembering. Not remembering.

U know those nites when u can't sleep and when u close yer eyes, images start floating around like a movie acting out right before yer eyes? Today's one of those nites. I'm tired but i can't get to sleep. Kept thinking and rethinking bout last nite, trying to recall what was it i said, but to no avail.

Alcohol really screws u over sometimes. When i have too much to drink, it seems as tho i become a whole other person. I become chattier, and totally unconscious bout my behaviour. I become Miss PR of the year with no prohibitions and never once do i think of consequences when i'm fucked. 'Cept tht there's always consequences. Sometimes i wonder if its becoz im sucha "principled", careful person in my un-drunk state tht all hell breaks loose when my evil twin takes over whenever situation permits.

Mannnnnn! This sucks big time! Totally quitting alcohol would be pretty darn impossible. Life is already as boring as can be. Without the occasional alcohol would be not living at all. I gotta regain control of myself. Gotta start managing my high again. 3 consecutive weeks of memory loss is really no fun at all! I'm always the sober one so please can someone tell me what's happening to me! :(

I hate not remembering what i said! Hate hate hate hate hate! HATEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

The Mundane Life.

• Discovering phytoplanktons with the queen.
• Rude, honky tonkish mini bus drivers who taught me never to give way when i drive.
• Cursing and swearing and endless waving of "wtf" hand signals at imbeciles on the roads.
• Bedridden at home with cough, cold, fever, food poisoning.
• Job interviews with companies tht do not wanna hire the poor girl.
• Temporary memory loss over drinking sessions with the crazy drinkers.
• Deluded ex-boyfriend who thinks i wanna get back with him.
• Trying to find something to look forward to but kept ending up with none.
• Trying to find a job so i may have the resources to do something tht i would look forward to but noone would hire me.
• People who kept reminding me im not getting any younger think i should start worrying bout my current single status.
• Bruises after bruises on my poor legs.
• Squished up, tortured toes due to uncomfortable pointy shoes.
• Iced Mango Tango tht simply tastes like yucky milk.
• Wanting to jump into the screen to slap Tenacious D's actors.
• Still struggling to find a highly satisfying movie to escape to.
• World Trade Centre was pretty damn lousy.
• Flags of our fathers slightly satisfying, but not the best i've seen.
• Decided never to watch movies like Saw III ever again.
• Monash still withholding cognitive psych results which has been stressing me up and harming my complexion BIG TIME!
• Finding out tht i might be migrating.
• The queen asked who am i migrating with, i told her with my "spouse". And yes yes, not forgeting my FIVE KIDS! Aidan, Ashley, Anjelica, Nameless 1, and Nameless 2.
• Boring wedding dinner.
• Boring shopping trips.
• From endless cravings of delicacies to having no appetite at all.
• Beginning to wonder if i was an assholic guy in my last life coz tht might be a rather reasonable explanation to why im failing so miserably as a fragile female.
• Pretty damn contented with my current single status most of the time.

S T O R Y O F M Y M U N D A N E L I F E. A M E N.