Despite being the non-believer that I am of relationships, I'd still like to think of myself somewhat as a strong believer of love. No doubt, the two go hand in hand together. Only difference is I guess.. U can never have a proper functioning happy relationship without love, but u can have loads of happiness and love for everyone around you, and yourself, without needing to be in a relationship. Sounds like another senseless babbling? I have a feeling this is gonna be a post filled with contradicting viewpoints anyways. Trying to straighten out some overdued thoughts.
To me, I feel that love is all things good and beautiful. It makes u feel things that u never ever thought u'd ever be able to feel. It's magical. It brings out the inner strength in u and lifts your entire being to new heights u never thought existed. Love teaches u to care, to genuinely care for another living, breathing being, to the extent that u'll somehow find yourself caring for that being more than u care for yourself. There's always this amount self-love that everyone have for themselves and it varies from individuals to individuals. However, the day will come when u begin to feel u love someone else more than u love yourself. That when he's hurt, your heart shatters, when he's happy, u'll find yourself happy too, when he's angry, u'll find yourself furious at whoever that has incured his wrath. And when that day comes, that's when u find yourself truely in love.
Relationships.. I find relationships to be somewhat evil. Relationships hurt people. It break hearts. But that's just me. Maybe I'm just jaded. Just tired of trying and retrying, of putting my entire heart into something that's never meant to last, of relinquishing my place in that "special someone's" heart to girls who just pop out of nowhere, of being forgotten, of being erased. Yea nothing ventured nothing gained, u win some u lose some. I'm just so tired of losing all the time and so tired to have to mend that shattered heart of mine that others seem to take pleasure in shattering, hence I made the decision to not even try anymore. Not for awhile at least. I just don't think I can find that strength, that strength to give someone the love he deserves, that strength to give someone anything anymore. My heart feels like its an empty shell. All that's left of the once alive and beating heart are just scars of the distress its been through and the battle wounds that never seem to heal.
Often I try hard to derive on a logical explanation to account for all my failed relationships and I'll start questioning myself if it was me, if it was all my fault, like maybe I didn't give enough or maybe it was my temper, my stubbornness or my impatience, like maybe I just wasn't good enough. I just needed to know, needed to know why or how I've failed so miserably time after time. I need to know why is it so hard to be happy. Why is it that even tho when I've done everything as best as I could it still didn't make a difference. Why is it that despite all the efforts I've put into the relationship, it doesn't seem to mean anything to them. And how is it that I can be so easily replaced. With just a snap of the finger, I'm out of the game, and u see them strolling into the sunset with their new found loves. I need answers, need reasons to justify the hurt that I've been through and no one seem to be able to provide me with any, not even myself.
Relationships are just reasonless games. U make the choice of which mindless idiot u want to be involved with. U make the choice of how much of yourself u want to give to that mindless idiot. U make the choice of whether or not to give your entire heart to that same mindless idiot. By looking at things this way, I guess I'm the biggest mindless idiot in this reasonless game. I made the choice to not hold anything back, I made the choice to love wholeheartedly, and thus, I made the choice to get my heart broken. Ironically, I guess this is the best explanation. The only way i know how to love is to love wholeheartedly, otherwise I feel there's no point in loving at all. Love itself deserves to be glorious. And only when u give it your all, then can u walk away from a broken relationship with a clear conscience and no regrets. I know I've done my best and there's no other way for me to do it. A relationship takes 2 hands to clap. And if the other hand doesn't wanna clap with u, there's really nothing u can do to make it reciprocate. Ultimately, it all relies on compatibility and how much 2 people are willing to compromise.
OK, everyone wants someone to love, and someone who loves them. But that is not to say that there's something strangely wrong with your life if u're single! I'm single for Christ's sakes, so are countless other people living on earth! I, for sure, don't see anything distinctively wrong with my life just cause I'm single. I'm just leaving things in the hands of God and putting my love life at the back seat for awhile. Being single is nothing bad. I get to breathe, get to concentrate on myself a little more, do a little soul searching every now and then, let my heart heal for abit and get it prepared for another few cracks that might occur somewhere in the not so distant future. Being single is far better than being attached just for the sake of being attached. I don't want no Toms, Dicks, or Harrys. I seek for that little bit of perfection amidst all the imperfections of life. And I'm so not gonna get into a relationship just cause someone happened to take an interest in me or just for the sake of companionship. I want someone whom I feel comfortable with and who feels comfortable with me. Someone who I can have conversations after conversations with and never run out of things to talk about. Someone who adores me and whom I adore just as much. Someone who cares. Oh.. And I need that jittery feeling too. As much as 24 years of living on earth has made me realised the non-existence of fairytaled relationships, of prince charming, of knight in shining armour, but I guess a little bit of jittery can't hurt. But of course, u can't have your cake and eat it too. It's inevitable to have one or two qualities lacking. No one's perfect..
Alright, I think I'm beginning to write rubbish. Somehow or rather, my jumbled up thoughts kinda enlightened me a little. Feels like a huge load lifted off me. I can breathe proper now. On a lighter note, however, I guess relationships aren't that much of a bullcrap afterall. It's the way people complicate things which made relationships bullcrappy. Sooooooo.. I wish all the couples out there all the best in compromising, accomodating, and keeping the love alive. And I wish all the singles luck in their pursuits of their happily-ever-afters.
...The End.
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