Life

Sometimes I really see life as a dread.
Sometimes it suffocates you to a point of numbness.
Sometimes you really feel so much inside with so many words you wanna say but you're just unable to piece them all together.
Or is that just my pride getting in the way?
Sometimes one really has to wonder... What's the point really?
What's the point of allowing people into your life just to see them leave over and over and over again?
What's the point of having memories when at the end of the day, it's these very memories that's haunting you and causing you pain.
Why do words keep ringing in my ears over and over again?
That voice... That face... The places... The feelings...
Sometimes I really wonder if anybody really know me or if anyone really cared.
Coz if they do... Then why are they always out to get me?
How is it that they just do it with such ease; digging my heart out and stabbing it over and over again with whatever sharp objects they can lay hands on.
Can't they see I'm human too?
So what if I don't like to show my weakness?
It doesn't mean I'm any less human, or does it?
Who's to know when I cry myself to sleep at night?
Who's there?
No one...
At the end of the day, it's back to square one.
At the end of the day, it's just me alone again.
So what's the point really?
They'll just leave.
Dump you like the trash.
Maybe that's what I'll ever be - that bag of garbage
Promises are just words,
Future's just an ideal,
Reality is painful.

Horrible People

I'm sick of horrible people draining my energy.

It's tiring.

I'm tired.

Evil Little Dresses..

When u see something nice tht u like, what do you do? If u said "buy it", tht would be the correct answer! So what if you happen to be a poor jobless soul like i am with little left in the bank, what would u do then? You brood! You brood and you feel sad about why you even have to brood over a dress, about why you can't use the money u have left. You start fantasising about how nice the dress will make you look, and about the occasions whereby the dress will come in handy.

Yes, i've bought 3 dresses in the last few months tht i havent had a chance to wear yet. Where am i supposed to wear dresses to anyway when the places i frequent spells the word DODGY out loud, packed with ah bengs or ex ah bengs who take a stab at singing but it's screeching i hear most of the time?! How am i supposed to wear my pretty little dresses to these places when weirdos are gonna eye me with tht "gee she's weird" look when in fact they're the ones with the inappropriate dress sense?!

So today happened to be a day tht a dress managed to catch my eye. I'm a fussy pot. In fact i'm one of the fussiest person i know when it comes to shopping, and it's a long process to pick out something i like. So what would i wanna do when something actually does? I think of buying it! One thing men really needa try to process into tht malfunctioned blob of squishy thingy in their heads is tht when it comes to women, it is never enough. 10 dresses, 100 dresses, 1000 dresses, it's never enough! Let alone 3. And why do we buy dresses? So tht we can look good for you! If you want us ladies to look like poop whenever we go out with you, it definitely can be done. But come on be honest.. Wouldn't tht be the time when you secretly start thinking about how good we used to look, and why God is so mean to make sucha horrible looking woman your girlfriend, and about the prettier, more attractive looking fishes tht will probably be swimming your way? Huh huh huh?!?!

You men are interested in gadgets; cars, play station, xbox, whatever crap tht you think make you look cool. We girls.. Well we just wanna look pretty. Or let least have the proper props to make tht happen when we feel like it. And since we're not fortune tellers, we can't foresee when we'll decide to look pretty and the occasion tht thought would suddenly make dinging sounds in our minds, we won't know what kinda dress would be appropriate when tht thought strikes. Tht is why we need versatility! We need variations! We need tons of different looking dresses in different colours to prevent us from suffering from wardrobe malfunction when the time comes! We wanna be able to strut out our doors feeling like a million bucks! We wanna have the right dress, the right shoes, the right bags within our reach so as to prevent making you men wait longer than you usually do!

It's already pretty damn tragic when a girl doesn't get to buy her pretty little dress. So when a girl says she needs to brood, it means she needs to brood, literally! Cut her some slack and give her time to grieve and start imagining about all the imperfections of the dress and how tht dress might actually not be tht nice, and she'll slowly give up and forget about the very existence of tht pretty little dress she once thought of buying. Do not, i repeat, DO NOT, go lecturing her about the measly 3 dresses tht she's purchased over the period of a few months! 3 dresses over a span of 10 months do not equate to over-indulging. It seriously don't! It's just like how a person who only start looking for toilet paper after he pooped only to realise there's none within his reach. Same theory. A girl doesnt wanna be in a situation when she needs a dress only to find out nothing in her tiny wardrobe is suitable. It really doesnt take much to try to understand the fact tht a girl just wanna look nice sometimes. Just a simple equation, really.

Anyways i've decided not to buy tht dress. Not because i don't think it looks nice anymore nor how imperfect it looks on me. But because you, YES YOU, deliberately decided to sleep when you're supposed to be here spending time with me! All these because of a dress. I sincerely, whole-heartedly, really really hope u're having a good rest. As for me, i'll continue brooding and thinking of tht dress in solitude. Thinking about it hurts noone.

Yet another old fart day.

It's tht time of the year again. Tht scary scary day u had to go thru year after year. Tht day when u secretly wish the clock would stop one minute before midnight so you won't become a year older.

When we were much younger, we couldn't wait to grow up. To be able to make our own decisions. To carve a life of our own. But now.. I really wish i could go back and become tht timid little girl who never spoke up for herself. Life was simpler then. It was traumatising to be bullied all the time.. But it was simple. Growing up is scary. It's probably the scariest thing anybody has to go through.

It's always like this year after year. I get scared, feel consipated, butterflies in the stomach, heart feels as though it's gonna stop, get all sorts of mixed feelings. I remember there was a year i deliberately forced myself to sleep.. I slept the whole of October 7 away. I slept from 1130pm of October 6 all the way til 12.30am of October 8. Amazing isn't it. I know.. I know sleeping solves nothing. But to me.. Sleeping is some sort of escape. The great unknown ahead is scary. Sleeping is calming. You sleep, you dream, you're living in a whole other alternate world where only some of your senses come to life.

Growing up is scary. But i'm thankful, really thankful for the people who have been there. Urging me to celebrate this very scary day year after year, never ceasing to let me know tht it's my day and i should be happy and feel perfect. And i just wanna let these people know tht despite my exterior as an ice queen, i remember and appreciate and hold close to my heart every single act of kindness and love they have ever done for me. Old habits die hard. Especially those tht's stemmed from the days when you were a tiny little thing walking around with squeek shoes. Inadequacies had made it difficult to say tht simple thank you to people closest to me. But i always remember, i will always remember the little nice things, those little acts of kindness.

The Move

The time has come for me to move again. Seems to be a yearly thing now. 3rd move in 3 years. I'm not a kid anymore so seriously there's no fun and excitement in moving anymore. Kinda sad actually. I miss my old house. Thot tht'll be the permanent house so i took the trouble to do up the lights, the shelves, unpack, added some personal touch to the toilet, frame up my giant jigsaw but oh wells... It feels somewhat like a break-up actually. Same logic isn't it? Putting effort into something tht becomes nuthing. Kinda like changing cars too. I remember feeling bloody sad when some guy came to drive my car away to be scraped. It's like losing an old friend. That familiarity u've come to know so well gets taken away from u by force. N i really really hate it!

Everything i need is here but it feels somewhat different. I feel bored, feel restless, i feel bloody uncomfortable. But i'm making do with situation. Guess it's just the art of getting used to all over again. And i bloody hell jolly well get used to it soon coz assignments are gonna start pouring in again. And if i stay uncomfortable, my muse won't come knocking, and if my muse don't come knocking, i'll die a miserable death.

So this is the story of my life now; Packed up boxes as a computer table and very very moodless.

Sinking.

Different people have different things they're good at. I'd like to think of myself as a jack of all trades. But if i had to name out one thing that i think i'm particularly good at, it'll be talking to people, helping people with their problems, making people feel better about their situation. I'm pretty darn good at solving other peoples' problems but i can never get around to solving mine. I mean the best surgeons in the world can't operate on themselves when situation arise. Maybe there is some kinda weird cosmic balance. God probably thinks tht if i'm problem-less, i wouldn't be as good when i'm helping people. Kinda sucks if u ask me. Seriously.

What i seriously don't get is tht whichever road i take, or whichever method i employ seems to always be the wrong way. Whatever i do is wrong, whatever i think is wrong, i do things this way i get condemned, i switch to do things the other way i get condemned too. So which way to go seriously? Sometimes people should just state what they want from me. Because i'm rather clueless these days. Because i've had enough of experimenting all kinds of methods tht ended up failing me. Because i always had to be the one stuck in the rut.

WHICH WAY TO GO SERIOUSLY?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! ENOUGH OF MAKING ME FALL HARD ON THE CONCRETE GROUND ALREADY! ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH!!!

Sometimes it really makes me wonder if i'm just one of those unlucky souls who are not meant to be happy. Those sorry souls who end up alone with sad eyes tht tell of how much hurt they've experienced over the years. The kinda hurt whereby people pretend they understand n know exactly how it feels n then try to relate n recount their own experiences when in fact no one freaking understand!

Seriously, when i say i dislike talking bout certain things, it's for a good cause. For example, maybe coz i wanna start things off with a freaking clean slate! CLEAN SLATE! BLANK SLATE! TABULA RASA! Which means no comparison whatsoever! No how did u do things back then when tht happened or what did u do with the other situation. This is me. ME. N as far as i'm concerned this is the me tht anyone needs to know, not the me 2 years ago, not the me 5 years ago. Just me now.

too smart for our own good.

Finally! Finally some time to myself with nothing to rush for, nothing to worry about. The last 2 weeks had been hectic. Hectic and boring! Listening to lectures after lectures and trying to squish in whatever information into my very used and pitiful brain with the hopes that the trauma of the Australian lecturers' voices would not turn me into an anterograde amnesiac.

The good thing bout studying psychology, however, is the nonsensical fun facts tht are drilled into our brain involuntarily. Like how Quinnie deem me as a little mammal coz i sleep so much or how i think i'm suffering from Korsakoff's Syndrome or premature dementia for my less than perfect memory. All in all, exams for this sem's officially over and i can only hope for the best. Really just wanna get it over and done with. So please God just let us pass. Just a pass will do! Amen.

a case of ultra mood swings

BEING AWAKEN BY LOUD SCREECHINGS HELP NOT!
BEING DISTURBED WHEN I TRY TO GET THT LITTLE REST HELPS NOT!
LISTENING TO CONTINUOUS NEVERENDING 12 2HRS LECTURES HELP NOT!
2 EXAMS BACK TO BACK NEXT WEEK HELPS NOT!
LOOKING FORWARD TO A WEDNESDAY WITH MY BF THT NEVER EVENTUATE HELPS NOT!
BINGING AND EATING TIL MY STOMACH IS CLOSE TO BURSTING OPEN HELPS NOT!

NOTHING HELPS!

Grumpy Old Hag

After 1000000000 months since i've moved in to my new house, i've finally gotten around to clear tht remaining 2 boxes tht had been collecting dust over the month. I spent my entire Monday rearranging my shelves, drawers, and what not, to accomodate the nonsense tht i kept buried within those boxes. Amidst my very busy Monday afternoon/night, i also found time to squish a baby cockroach. Gross!

Holidays have been over for close to a month now, and the reality of school, of assignments, of attending boring useless lectures, of having to see people i do not wish to see in school, have finally started to sink in. Thinking of it makes me depressed. We attend 6years of primary school to get our PSLE cert, 4/5years to get our O' Levels cert, 2/3years to get our diploma/higher diploma, 2.5/3years to get a fucking degree. However short these 2.5/3years might seem as compared to the 6years of primary school or the 4/5years of secondary school, it sure as hell feels like the longest time of my life. After this semester, i'll be down to my last 4 modules. So near yet so far. It almost seem as tho i've been doing my degree for my entire life. The assignments.. Those poop assignments, trying to fulfil the darn word count, those sleepless nights doing "research", those nights when i'm actually able to sleep i get nightmares of my assignments and i wake up in shock. Can't for all these to be over. Whoever said a slacker undergrad don't feel all stressed up? We, slackers, just choose not reveal how much we're actually panicking. We "fake it til we make it". We just pretend and act all calm bout everything, and trick our minds bout how calm we are, when our minds are tricked, we feel abit more calm. Somewhat like a twisted version of "false consciousness". We create a sorta false consciousness to better our well being.

When all these is over, i'm gonna go get me a job. I don't care what job. Just as long as it pays me my money. When tht time comes, i won't hafta walk into nine west, see a bag i like, but hafta part with it n put it back on the shelves coz it cost 200 over bucks. I won't hafta work poop jobs tht require me to be under the sun begging retarded rude women to do surveys tht are as retarded as they are just to earn those extra bucks to save, so i won't hafta worry bout not having money when the time comes to buy presents or go on holiday. My life isn't all tht bad really, but it really isn't a bed of roses either.

I think when i become old, i'm gonna be one of those grumpy old women tht sit at coffeeshops, like a predator waiting for its prey, just ready to pounce on and scream and yell at whichever poor soul tht crosses their paths.

Am in a grumpy mood. Grumpy grumpy! Time to go blast my music and screech at the top of my lungs til my neighbors' windows go clang and tht old man staying across of me won't even dare to look over anymore.

The illogicality of... Love.

The Lake House.. A story bout how two people who are separated by a time frame of 2 years, fall in love, and end up together despite the odds tht are against them. This was a show i really really wanted to catch during its initial release, but dropped the idea of watching it cause most people around me who caught it said it was boring boring boring. I finally watched it today, with no expectations whatsoever, and i found it to be a reasonably comforting romantic movie. The happy ending, although a little too abrupt, brought closure to the show. However, The Lake House, i believe, would have been more memorable should it have ended with Keanu Reeves' death. The tragic twist of fate would definitely bring tears to the eyes of the many sentimentalists out there. But i love happy endings! So this movie pretty much worked just fine for me.

~~

"There could have been no two hearts so open... No tastes so similar... No feelings so in unison..."

~~

I supposed i'm just one of those who believes more in seeing for myself. Not only in terms of movies, but for the many other things life throw onto our laps too. Different people conceptualise different things differently. And it often helps to see for yourself how good or how bad something can truely be. As it turns out, this is the one show i think i'd really enjoy watching with Mr Boyfriend. Which we almost did! But blame it on my lousy cheena piang brand dvd player!

I always enjoy a good love story. Especially one tht has a happy ending. They kinda give u a very comforting and heartwarming sorta feeling. They make u wanna think back on all the nice things tht happened in your own relationship. And how truely wonderful it is to have finally found each other.

Although the plot of The Lake House might seem a little far fetched to some, it might even appear somewhat illogical to those who eats and breathes logic; considering how it's totally impossible to be corresponding to someone living 2 years ahead of u via a magical mailbox. It is afterall a love story, and love itself is illogical.

Love itself is magic. When it hits u, it'll just hit u with no warning. And u won't even have the time or want to think of the whens, whats, whys, or hows. And even if u wanna think of all the whens, whats, whys, and hows, u'll find yourself never deriving at an answer. Because love needs no answer. U laugh, u giggle, u smile to yourself like a silly cow thinking bout him, u just wanna cuddle, and cuddle, and cuddle somemore, u start missing them the moment u kiss goodbye, u look forward to every single thing u can possibly do with him, and it never seizes to amaze u from time to time how u're both really really together, and perhaps u'll then start questioning yourself how is it possible tht u feel so much for him, and he, too, asks u why u love him, but there is never an answer. And it's good to have no answers as answers would only diminish the magic tht love contains.

And just in case u're still wondering bout all the whens, whats, whys, and hows, i'll just say its everything. It's everything in the heart and what the heart feels tht cannot be put to words, and it's everything bout u. It's everything tht hits u all at once and u just can't get enough. U can never get enough. It's never boring and it never will be. And then u come to realise tht bliss and contentment has just fallen upon your lap, and completeness is just lying beside u.

It's just...... Magic.